Jordan Carver knows how to dress for dinner

I find the Hefty garbage bag tie method circumscribing the bustline to be an especially nice touch; as if the dress designer just threw up his/her hands in defeat and said, “Whelp. There’s no way to cram these gigantic, swollen mounds of titflesh into any dress that can be made by conventional or even theoretical means. Goddamit, Mother was right when she said I’d never amount to more than a mistake conceived one starless summer night in a traveling circus’ Porta Potty. I’m nothing but a piece of trash. I belong in a dumpster somewhere, surrounded by the very filth I have become, asphyxiating on discarded banana peels and with nothing but ripe rat shit as my bedding and garbage bags as pillows… wait a minute. Garbage… garbage bags… garbage ties for the titties! That’s it!”